


Beautiful Disaster

by drewvansexy



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Depression, F/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2014-09-07
Packaged: 2018-01-24 14:33:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1608578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drewvansexy/pseuds/drewvansexy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"She wishes she can keep going, keep trying to solve the mystery and figure it all out but she can't. She lost her will to keep fighting a long time ago, and she's been waiting for this moment to arrive the way a child waits to open presents on Christmas." </p><p>Post 4x24 - Aria has been pushed to her breaking point, will Ezra be able to bring her back?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He was right—it is beautiful. That's all Aria Montgomery can think of as she stands on the rooftop of Rosewood High at half past midnight. She remembers listening to Ezra utter those words as he stared out towards the skyline in Manhattan, and although she knows that the Rosewood skyline is nothing in comparison, the few lights are still beautiful as they shine out, almost inviting her towards them. It's windy tonight but the chill feels like nothing against Aria's skin. The small hairs on her arms don't stand up and she doesn't have small bumps rising up on the surface like they should be. The brisk air doesn't bother her at all; she's felt this cold for a long time now.

Byron Montgomery never talked about his brother Scott much, and he didn't really have a reason to, but when Mike was beginning to struggle with depression Aria couldn't help but realize the clouded look in her father's eyes when his brother's name was mentioned more often around the house. She would hear it when she came home from school, attempting to be disguised with whispered voices and hushed tones as if it was some family secret meant to be kept away from the children. Aria always thought it was funny, because despite being unborn at the time of Scott Montgomery's untimely suicide it was never a secret how he died.

Aria remembers hearing the story as a young girl and wondering why he would ever do something like that. Why anyone would ever do something like that—something so impulsive and rash and as she thought then, stupid. It took years for her to slowly realize and understand the reasoning behind Scott's decision. It took even longer for her to get the courage to make the same decision for herself, and it's the reason that she's here tonight, standing on top of a building that holds so many of her happiest memories. She's been up here all day, waiting for the janitorial staff to lock up the doors and finally leave so she can feel at peace. It's given her time to think, not so much about her choice but about the people she'll be leaving behind.

Naturally, her first thoughts drift to Ezra. The first thing the rooftop brings is the memory of how his blood coated her hands and stained her fingernails red as she tried to stop the bleeding from the gunshot wound embedded in his side. The gunshot wound that was inflicted on him because of her, because he was doing what Ezra does and was trying to protect her, trying to put her needs above his own. This is the memory that only further confirms the choice she's made, and it makes her happy to know that without her, Ezra will find everything he's wanted in the world and more. Without her, Ezra will be safe and out of harms way. Without her, Ezra will have a better life, she's sure of it.

After the flashbacks from the rooftop pass she lets herself move on to more joyous memories. She lets herself imagine his smile and his eyes as they steal glances at her from across a classroom. She lets herself remember what it felt like to have his fingers barely touching hers on the surface of a desk, their hearts racing at an equally quickened pace due to the fact that they could be caught at any moment. She lets herself imagine that it's his arms wrapped around her small frame rather than her own as she stands on top of the building, hearing him whisper  _it's so beautiful_ into her ear again and again. She lets herself remember what it felt like to be loved by someone she loves back, someone she wishes she could be strong for. She wishes Ezra was enough to keep her here, and maybe if she didn't continually put him in danger he would be, but any time she spends caring for him is time he spends as a target for A's torture, and since she knows she will never be able to stop caring for him, this seems like a reasonable solution.

Of course, it's not her only reason for doing this. Her second thoughts are about her family. She thinks of her mom, now happily remarried to Zack. Aria couldn't be more grateful for him and Aria loves that her mom has found something to rekindle the fire in her life that Byron's affair seemed to drain out of her. Maybe without Aria her mother would finally be free of any guilt from starting a new family. She could have children with Zack, ones that weren't haunted by the ghost of an old friend or under the threats of a black hoodie. Aria didn't doubt Ella's love for her, but she also didn't doubt the reality that after a while Ella would move on and in time she would find happiness with her new family that she couldn't find before.

Mike is harder to justify leaving behind. Mike is fragile as it is when it comes to their family and this would certainly do nothing to help, but Aria also knows that the only reason he stays in their family home is because of her. He doesn't want to leave her alone, and once she's gone he'll have no reason not to stay with Ella and Zack, and Aria knows that he'll be better off because of it. They've offered the opportunity to stay with them to both her and her brother but she's never accepted, because for some reason she still has hope that maybe her family doesn't have to be completely broken. She wants to be strong for her brother and for all of the people who ask her about her father. She wants to keep believing that her father will finally come to his senses and return to the children he's left behind, but that dwindling hope is part of the reason she's here now too.

She slowly started accepting that she will have to stop telling everyone that her father is away because he's working in Syracuse, that he's planning on coming home at some point. That acceptance began the moment she went on an impulsive trip to Syracuse in hopes of getting away from Ezra and Rosewood, only to find that her father had left the college weeks before. She didn't have to ask if it meant goodbye, she knew the answer, but she still waited for months for him to come and take back the role of father he'd so easily left behind. She remembers calling to ask him where he was, hearing his drunken voice over the phone and the slurred apology that carried no weight, along with the offer to pay for her stay at Syracuse as long as she kept his absence quiet. She remembers trying to ask him questions only to be cut off by the faint voice of a woman—presumably Meredith—followed by a quick and empty promise by her father that he'd return home to Rosewood soon. Aria had foolishly believed him, or at least believed in the hope that he would keep his promise; she blamed Ezra for rubbing off his unbelievable sense of optimism on her. It was a hope she'd foolishly believed until now, because now she can finally admit to herself that her father is happier without her in his life, and he'll never return to her. Why would he?

Next she thought of her friends. She wishes that maybe Alison can fill in her role and it'll be as if Aria isn't gone. Her friends will never have to experience the pain of sitting down for lunch and realizing they only fill three spots rather than four. They will never take a road trip and find themselves staring longingly at the empty seat in the back. They will never have to change their routine and be constantly reminded of the missing person in their group. There is someone to take her spot, and that's all Aria can do to try and make her decision right by her friends. It's the hardest part of this, leaving her friends. While Aria strongly believes that anyone will be happier without her there isn't a good reason like she has with Ezra or her family. There isn't an obvious benefit, because even with her gone her friends are still targets for A's wrath.

However, there isn't much they gain by having her here anyway. Sure she's always thought of herself as a kind and loving friend, and she will do anything for them in a heartbeat and everyone knows it, but she also knows that she isn't perfect. She knows that she can be  _that girl_ who always talks about her boyfriend or her own problems too much. She tries not to be. The slight eye-rolls or annoyed sighs from her friends don't go unnoticed when Aria finds herself accidentally bringing up Ezra  _again_  in conversation. She hates herself for it. It's her way of asking for help the only way she knows how to, because she's found herself one too many times in a situation that she has no idea how to handle and if no one asks her if she's alright, she doesn't know how else to admit that she's breaking. Still, her boyfriend having a surprise kid pales in comparison to her best friend getting a car as an unwanted houseguest. She's never blamed them for being bothered by her, because they have their own problems that they are handling on their own too, and it makes her angry with herself that she can't handle things well like they do. And that's also her own fault, because if she knew how to deal with situations on her own then she wouldn't talk about them so much. But she does it anyway, because she hates feeling helpless and at least if she talks about it she can make it seem like she's dealing with her problems, even if the reality is that they are killing her.

Alison had her own share of faults but perhaps now she's changed for the better. Perhaps now she can properly fill the role of selfless, intelligent, non-annoying friend that Aria never could, and that thought gives Aria enough reason to believe that her friends will also be happier without her to impose on their already chaotic and stressful lives.

Aria was wrong to think as a little girl that committing suicide was an act of impulse. There's nothing impulsive about it. It's premeditated murder at its finest. The first time the thought trickles into your mind it's like a song in the background; it's there but quiet enough that you can ignore it and let it sink away from the present. It's always there, playing softly, but days will go by and you realize that you haven't noticed there was even a song playing. You only notice it when the world goes quiet and you're left alone with your thoughts, that's when it starts creeping back up into the forefront of your brain. Push it away fast enough and it will fall back into the distance, but slowly it will return, each time louder and louder until you reach this point, the point of standing on top of a rooftop and thinking about the happiness that jumping off will bring to those around you, and the peace it will bring to yourself. Eventually the thoughts will win and you'll find yourself plotting your own downfall, keeping it as a back-up plan. Eventually the thoughts stop being background noise and they start being just... you. They become you; they define you and everything you do until finally they destroy you.

Aria first remembers the word 'suicide' entering her mind as she heard her parents fighting over the letter Mona sent to her mother, the letter that was only sent to Ella because of Aria. She remembers it coming back only months later when she discovered that Mike had been acting out and stealing and could only find herself to blame. Again, it came back when she listened to her parents screaming over her relationship with Ezra, just another thing she'd done to ruin whatever remained of her family. And again the word returned when Ezra's mother helped Aria see just how much she'd fucked up Ezra's life for him. And it never went away after that. No matter how happy she felt there was a lingering feeling of dread somewhere in the pit of her stomach whenever she was near her family or Ezra. It only started getting really bad when Connor spread around rumors, despite some of them carrying a little bit of truth, about her and she realized she had fucked up Mike's chance at a happy life as well. And all the while A sat back and enjoyed the show that was Aria Montgomery spiraling into a black hole. There came a point when Aria couldn't keep up anymore. The games A was playing became too intense, too complicated for her to understand and it made her feel useless. She couldn't be a help to her friends, especially Spencer, who practically relapsed into an old drug addiction to figure out if Ezra was who she suspected or not, all for the sake of helping Aria. The rooftop in New York was all it took for Aria to finally snap, to finally give in to her thoughts and let them take her over. She can't do this anymore. She can't sit around like some helpless animal who does nothing but complicate people's lives and make them worse. Ezra, her family, her friends... they all deserve better.

Some people describe suicide as a selfish act, and as much as Aria would like to deny that statement and say that her only reason for taking her own life is for the sake of others, she can't. Some of it is a selfish act, for her anyway. The truth is she's tired. She's tired of being afraid and looking behind her shoulder everywhere she goes. She's tired of being a victim to some cruel asshole in a mask who doesn't understand when a prank's gone too far. She's tired of trying to kid herself into believing that she didn't cause the final split between her family. She's tired of pretending like she isn't to blame for most of the things that happen around her. She's tired of living like this, in fear of her own shadow. She admires Spencer, Hanna, Emily, and most of all, Alison, for their incredible strength. Aria wishes she could have that. She wishes she can keep going, keep trying to solve the mystery and figure it all out but she can't. She lost her will to keep fighting a long time ago, and she's been waiting for this moment to arrive the way a child waits to open presents on Christmas.

The wind picks up for a moment and a cluster of leaves blows by. In a moment she'll be like those leaves, light as a feather and free to go wherever the wind will take her. Nothing has ever felt more appealing to her than the chance to be free. Free from the chains of life around her ankles dragging her down and refusing to let her go. Free from the burdens of guilt and shame she carries around on her shoulders. She has to jump. She has to let the wind take her the same way it took those leaves. She has to know what it feels like to be weightless. This is where she finally finds her peace.

Aria takes a tentative step towards the ledge, not because she's afraid of going through with this, but because she wants just one more moment to remember all that she's leaving behind. She wants just one more glimpse at the life she's about to take. One more of Ezra's boyish, charming smiles. One more Friday night family dinner held on the living room couch. One more night of laughing until she cries with her friends. One more kiss accompanied by Ezra's welcoming arms embracing her, as if her body was always meant to fit against his. She can't remember when she moved forward but now she's right at the edge, the toe of her left shoe hanging over the side. Aria feels her cheeks become wet with tears and she can't help but smile as she lifts her left leg and stretches it out in front of her. One more glance at all of her favorite memories before everything turns to black.

"Aria?"

He's shouting but his voice is softened by the wind. It doesn't help that his throat is clenched shut in an attempt to block out the sobs trying to escape from him at the moment, which makes his voice come out thick and shaky and powerless.

"Aria?" He tries again after clearing his throat, but this time his voice cracks and it only sounds worse.

Aria's head snaps down at the same moment her foot comes back into contact with solid ground. She could swear she heard Ezra's voice coming from below her and she squints to try and get a better view. Surely enough, standing in the dim light of the lamppost underneath her, Ezra Fitz is looking up at her. From what she can see by the light on his face he's wearing an expression of hurt, confusion, and guilt. She rolls her eyes. She should have known something like this would have ended up happening. It's Ezra after all, her hero. The thing is, she has no desire to be saved.

"What are you doing here, Ezra?" Aria asks, her voice reflecting her annoyance. She just wants it to be over.

"Nobody's seen or heard from you all day so I called Mike. He said you told him you were sleeping at my place tonight. I just... I got worried," he calls up to her. He's trying to keep his voice calm and composed but Aria doesn't ignore the way it quivers in the air. "I thought something happened so I've been driving around Rosewood..." he trails off.

"Well everything's fine so you can go back to your apartment now," Aria snaps coldly.

He bites his lip, desperate and determined to stay strong and not let himself lose control. What he really wants to do is cry, or scream, or both. He wants to yell at her for being so selfish, for almost leaving him alone. He wants to scream until he loses his voice because the second he spotted her small figure standing on the roof he felt something inside of him break. Whatever it was it's easily the worst pain he's ever felt, far worse than any gunshot wound.

"Aria..." he pleads. He doesn't know what else to say, he doesn't know how to help her. "Aria, I'm coming up."

She sighs. For a moment she smiles because the doors are locked, but she quickly remembers that since returning to Rosewood High he probably was given keys. Aria wishes he would just leave. Does he know she would never do this in front of him or is he just going on hope? Perhaps he's just scared. Aria remembers a time when her own thoughts used to frighten her; how the idea of dying by her own means made her tremble with fear and curiosity. The fear is long gone now, replaced by relief and eagerness that the grueling battle Aria fought for so long is now over. A minute passes and then she hears the creaky metal door swing open behind her.

"Ezra. Go home," Aria says dismissively without turning around. She suddenly notices how tired her legs are and she lowers herself down so she's perched along the edge, feet dangling over the side.

Ezra lets out the breath he's been holding as he sees her sit. Sitting is better than standing, right? "If you want me to go home then I'm afraid you'd have to be with me," he replies. "It doesn't feel right without you there, you know."  _Because my home is where you are,_ he wants to add, but the line is too cheesy for his liking and he hopes she'll understand him without it.

Aria laughs but it feels empty and hopeless and it makes Ezra's stomach turn. "Nothing like a ticking time-bomb to call home sweet home. Didn't anyone ever tell you to find a more stable home?"

"I stopped taking people's advice a long time ago. You should know that."

"Maybe you should've listened," she says simply.

"Aria—"

"Did you know I'm failing calculus? And history?" she asks, changing the subject. Her tone is light as if she's telling him something as simple as the time. "My teachers tell me that lately my mind seems to be in a different place and that I'm not focused on my schoolwork," she says dryly and laughs. "Hard to focus on anything when there's someone trying to kill you every time you turn around."

 _Well, two people trying to kill you._ She doesn't miss the fact that she is the one dangling her life over a ledge right now. Ezra doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what to say. He can't risk saying something wrong and losing her forever. The way she's speaking is unsettling. Her voice is calm, distant, and non-conflicted, having already accepted the reality of her decision.

"Please leave, Ezra," she asks again. She doesn't want to do this in front of him. She can't. She would never do that to him.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Please."

"Aria, I'm not leaving." Ezra takes a small step forward, testing the waters. He doesn't want to do anything that could potentially make her do something drastic.

She laughs again, the same empty laugh as before. "What are you going to do? Wait here all night?"

"Yes," he answers, taking another step. "If that's what it takes."

Aria's face softens. "Just go," she says quietly, trying to hide the pain in her voice. "I don't want to hurt you more than I already have."

This time it's Ezra who laughs. "Right. Don't you get that this would hurt me the most?" he asks in disbelief.

"Short-term, maybe. But in the end, the pain you feel from this won't be nearly as bad as the pain you'd feel with me in your life."

"How can you even say that?" he chokes out. He's been trying to keep himself composed for her sake but he doesn't know if he can hold in his tears for much longer.

Aria turns her head slightly over her shoulder and it's the closest she's come to looking directly at Ezra all night. "With me in your life you're still a target for A. You got shot, what do you think A will do next now that you're still alive? Your life is at risk just because I can't stop caring about you."

"Then let's leave."

"What?"

Ezra is only a few feet away from her now. "Let's go to New York, Chicago, Iceland, anywhere," he says desperately.

Aria lets out a breathy laugh. "Ezra—"

"No, if you're worried about A then let's pack up and move, right now. Someplace where A can't reach us."

Aria lifts her head up and looks at the sky, trying to will away the tears forming in her eyes. "And there you go again, throwing away everything you have because of me. Don't you understand, Ezra? That's why I'm not good for you. That's why you'll be happier if I'm gone."

"Don't  _you_ understand, Aria? You are the only thing that has ever been good for me."

She sighs and looks down to her lap. "I love you, Ezra, more than I have ever loved anyone and you know that. And I know that you love me, I don't doubt that for a minute..." Ezra lowers himself beside her but she keeps her head down. "But I'm trying to do the only thing that can help you so just... let me."

"Aria... Please,  _please,_ don't do this because of me."

Finally Aria looks at Ezra. She can clearly see the tears that he'd been trying to hold in for so long escaping and the sight makes her feel sick. She doesn't expect him to understand now that this is for the better, but seeing him cry is enough to make her cry and she can't have that, so she turns her head away from him.

"It's not just you, Ezra. It's everything... I'm not a crucial part of anyone's life; all I do is fuck it up. My mother can't have the real family she wants with Zack because she doesn't want to make me feel bad, my brother gets teased in school because of me, I'm useless when it comes to helping my friends figure out who A is... I mean, my own father can't even be around me anymore. It's selfish of me to stay when all I do is cause pain. I'm just sick of living like this. I'm sick of being scared all the time. I'm sick of not being able to trust anyone. I'm sick of being a burden. I'm so fucking exhausted and I can't take this anymore. I'm done fighting with myself to stay alive. It's over... The war is over and I've lost."

"Aria, look at me," Ezra whispers.

She looks down at her feet and shakes her head.

"Aria..." Ezra says again, reaching his hand out slowly to touch her cheek.

She shudders at the contact; it's been so long since she's felt this kind of warmth. In the previous weeks even Ezra's touch hadn't been enough to make her feel alive—to make her feel anything. He tilts her face towards him and forces Aria to look at him.

"You have been through far more than anyone should ever have to in their lives. Every day that I see you I wonder how you can do it, because if it were me there is no way I could ever be as strong as you are. You are the strongest person I've ever known," Ezra says to her, staring into her eyes so she has no choice but to listen. "I'm not asking you to be okay with what has happened to you, Aria. You don't deserve any of it and despite what you've made yourself believe, there is no one in this world who could ever be harmed by having you in their life." Aria recognizes the similar words that she once heard her father say to her and she lets out a muffled sob. "I'm asking you to stay with me. Because I am selfish and because I can't fucking stand to live in a world without you. Despite everything you've gone through I am begging you to keep going because I love you so damn much, Aria. I don't care if being with you makes me a target because that's my decision to make, not yours. I need you. I need you in my life, Aria. I know that it's selfish of me to ask but please don't give up. For me," Ezra pleads softly.

Aria opens her mouth to speak but she can't find the right words. She doesn't know how to respond. She was so close to finally being free. As if to mock her, the wind picks up slightly and a new set of leaves flies into the air behind Ezra. Aria wants nothing more than to follow them into the sky. Hearing Ezra in such a vulnerable state makes her heart ache. She hates seeing him like this. She hates knowing that she's the one causing him pain. Most of all she hates the effect his words can have on her. Aria hates the way they pull on her heart and make her rethink her choices.

"You don't understand, Ezra. There's nothing left for me here. My friends, my family... They're all ready to move on and wherever they're going, it doesn't include me. I don't have anything—"

"You have me," Ezra cuts in. "You will always have me, and I know that isn't enough but I—I can't do this without you."

Aria stares at him with her mouth slightly open. She licks her lips and the taste of salt runs over her tongue. She quickly brings up her hand and wipes the tears away from her cheeks. Aria makes a move to speak but instead the words escape her throat in the form of broken cries. She covers her mouth with her hand to silence herself but now that she's started she can't seem to stop, and all she can do is fall forward into Ezra's arms and bury her face into his neck.

"I don't—" she cries. "I—I don't know what to do. It hurts, Ezra. Everything hurts," she manages to choke out between sobs.

Her hands make their way between their bodies and her fingers curl around the front of Ezra's shirt as Ezra wraps his arms around her, his cheek pressed against her head, as he lets her cry. Even though the sound of Aria crying always makes his skin crawl it's a far better alternative to the empty and emotionless Aria he saw earlier that night.

"I don't—I can't do this. I—" she breathes out shakily into his neck.

"Promise me," he whispers. "Promise me you'll try."

Her body shakes against his, the force of her cries making her shudder. He tightens his arms around her, refusing to let go until she says yes. He knows that what he's asking isn't fair. He knows that he has no right to make Aria keep fighting when she's living in hell but he can't help it. He can't lose her. If he does he thinks he'll go insane. The town would be offering him a room at Radley before they can even schedule a funeral.

"Ezra I—" Aria starts as soon as she's calm enough to speak again.

_"Please..._ _"_

Aria lifts her head from its space in Ezra's neck and looks up at him. The tears in the corners of his eyes haven't dried but he still looks as handsome as ever. She wants to scream at him for stopping her, for forcing her to second-guess her decision and for making this so difficult. She was ready to die. She was ready to leave him and everything else in her life behind for the greater good but now... Now she can only think about the man sitting before her, begging for her to stay alive, and the look on his face when she first saw him that reminded her of a lost, sick puppy who'd just been kicked in the stomach. This doesn't change anything; she still knows that he'd be better off without her. Nothing about how she feels is any different, but for some reason that she can't explain, she looks him in the eyes and says, "Okay."

"Okay?" Ezra looks at her hopefully.

"I promise."

The look of relief and happiness on Ezra's face is indescribable. Aria wishes she could feel that way. She wishes she could know what it feels like to be so damn optimistic and joyful all the time. Ezra leans forward and kisses her forehead, holding her in place for a moment before pulling away and resting his forehead against hers. His hand leaves its position on her back and moves to graze her cheek, his thumb wiping away leftover tears.

"I love you," he breathes. "So much, Aria." He presses his lips against hers. "I love you," he repeats, mumbling the words against her mouth.

Aria lets out a shaky laugh and places her hand over his, leaning her face into his palm. "I love you, too. Please, no matter what, never doubt that. Never doubt that I love you more than anything in this world," she whispers back to him before moving in for another kiss.

This kiss is longer, filled with desperation and wordless apologies. Ezra begins trailing his mouth down her neck and Aria sighs in content. For the first time in weeks she feels alive again. Each of his sloppy kisses ignites something beneath her skin that excites her and makes her yearn for more. Her hands make their way into Ezra's curls as he continues marking every inch of her neck and collarbone with his lips. She fists his hair, reveling in the feeling of it between her fingers as she chases after this feeling that has been lost to her for so long.

Breathless, Ezra eventually pulls away and looks at her with a dazed smile. Maybe he recognizes the difference in Aria's reaction now to what it was only a few weeks ago. She returns the smile and leans her head against his shoulder, looking out at the skyline. Her hand finds his and she locks their fingers together. She doesn't know if she can do this... Life. She loves Ezra but this is so much bigger than him. She can't make the promise that she'll be okay. Still, she's willing to try for him; she's willing to make the effort to have him be enough.

"It's beautiful," Aria says, still staring out at the city of Rosewood.

"Yeah," Ezra replies, though his gaze hasn't left Aria's face. "It is."


	2. Chapter 2

The trip from Rosewood High is completely silent. Ezra's hands haven't stopped shaking and Aria pretends not to notice how white his knuckles are from gripping the wheel so tightly. She hasn't spoken since they came down from the roof. When Ezra asked if she wanted to go home with him she simply nodded, knowing that if she said no he would have insisted anyway, unwilling to let Aria be on her own tonight. Aria understands though, she isn't annoyed by his worries. In fact, she's grateful for them, because she intends to at least try to keep her promise to Ezra, and if left on her own tonight she isn't sure how she'd make it.

Aria's head rests against the window as she watches the streets of Rosewood pass her by. She used to love the way everything seemed to blur together in a mixture of light and dark, but now she feels nothing; she feels cold again. She regrets letting Ezra save her. His kiss was enough to light something within her, but only for so long. Now she's returned to the same empty, hollow feeling she knows so well, and she wants nothing more than to feel that spark from Ezra's lips again. She craves it. She craves the way it made her feel alive.

Ezra eventually parks in front of his apartment building, stretching out his fingers once they finally release the wheel. Aria hasn't said a word or moved in the time they've been in the car. Ezra sits silently for a moment before getting out of the car, hoping Aria will follow. She does, and the two walk into his apartment for what feels like the millionth time. Aria shrugs the jacket Ezra gave her off of her shoulders and sets it on the kitchen island. He gave it to her when he saw her shiver as they walked down from the roof, and she didn't have the heart to tell him that while it was a nice gesture, it does nothing to help the growing chill inside of her.

Aria stands hesitantly in the middle of the room, as if this was her first time visiting 3B. Everything about the way she moves screams careful. Ezra remains behind her; waiting for her to say something, do something,  _anything._ When it's clear she has no intentions of speaking Ezra sighs softly to himself and runs a nervous hand through his hair before resting it on his neck.

"Aria... We have to talk about this," he says quietly.

She doesn't turn around. "No, we don't."

"Please, I—I don't want to scold you, or lecture you, or anything I just... I want you to talk to me."

She walks over to the bed, sits, and starts to take off her shoes. "Talking isn't what I need from you right now."

"What can I do?" he asks genuinely.

Aria hates the way he cares for her. It's a constant reminder to why she doesn't deserve him. Ezra follows her, sitting beside her and staring at her. His eyes aren't pitiful, like she expects, but loving. She stares back at him but her gaze is unreadable. She looks at his lips, remembering the fire they brought to her veins, and that's all it takes for her to capture them with her own. She feels the warmth of his touch immediately. He doesn't hesitate to kiss her back and when he does Aria can see fireworks behind her closed eyes. This is what she needs right now. She needs to distract herself from the thoughts pounding away in her mind and forget the pain.

Aria's fingers begin to explore underneath Ezra's t-shirt and he reluctantly pulls away. Something about this feels wrong. He gets the strange feeling that he's taking advantage of her, even though she's the one who started it.

"Aria—" Ezra breathes. "Aria, stop."

She leans back, looking at him with curious eyes. "Why?"

"This feels wrong."

Aria furrows her brow. "Why?" she repeats.

"It's just... After what happened tonight it doesn't seem right to, uh..." he trails off.

Aria sighs. "Don't do this," she pleads, clearly annoyed. "Don't start with all your self-righteous bullshit."

Ezra rolls his eyes. "I—"

"No, stop. You're not taking advantage of me, I'm not being manipulated, just stop. I want this. I need this. So please..." she whispers, inching closer to his face. " _Please,_ don't pull away."

"Aria, believe me, I want this. I want  _you._ But we haven't...  _you know_ , since before the book stuff and I don't want you to feel like we're rushing into anything you don't—"

Aria shuts him up with a kiss, not interested in hearing his rant about right and wrong. She loves that Ezra respects her and wants to make sure this is what she wants, but some times, like now, it can be extremely inconvenient. She doesn't want to be coddled and questioned right now. Right now, she wants to be fucked until her mind goes blank and her body goes numb. Aria shifts so that she's straddling Ezra, her kisses becoming more aggressive as she starts to grind her hips again his. Ezra still isn't one hundred percent comfortable with this, but he's wanted Aria for so long, and she's practically begging him, so he gives in. He lets out an involuntary groan of approval when she slips her tongue into his mouth and finally he returns the kiss.

She begins trailing her mouth towards his ear, pausing momentarily to whisper, "I love you, Ezra," with her lips barely touching his skin.

"I love you, too," he whispers back, a shiver going through his body as her breath tickles his skin.

Her hands push his shirt up his body and he's quick to help remove it before helping with Aria's shirt. She reattaches their lips in a heated kiss as her fingers fumble with his belt. Her actions are urgent and desperate. She longs to fill the emptiness inside her. She stands to remove her leggings and he does the same with his pants before moving himself towards the headboard. Aria crawls back onto the bed and resumes her previous position on top of him; one of his arms helps him stay upright while the other snakes around her slim waist to support her. Her own arms loop around his neck and she pulls roughly at the baby hairs on the back of his neck as they continue to kiss. Her hips rock forcefully against Ezra's and she smiles when he places his hands on her waist and stills her, resting his forehead against hers as they catch their breaths.

"You're positive about this?" he asks one final time.

Aria nods and brushes the hair out of his face before closing in on his mouth again. She understands that in a few seconds they'll be at a point of no return with where their relationship stands, and she's never been so sure about anything in her life. This is the best she's felt in a long time. He reaches in the nightstand, bringing out a foil packet. Aria takes it in her hands and her shaky fingers open it as Ezra lays a kiss on the top of her head. Ezra is a drug to her and she can't get enough. He is her addiction, and at the moment it's the only thing keeping her alive.

Once they find a steady, slow rhythm, Ezra's mouth finds Aria's shoulder and he leaves sloppy but purposeful kisses on her skin. He helps her move on top of him and she leans forward, bowing her head into the crook of his neck and listening to his heavy breaths that match her own. She continues fisting Ezra's hair, occasionally letting out a soft whimper at their movements. It's sweet and sensual, more like their first time together, but it's enough to make Aria lose herself, if only for a while, in the way Ezra is making her feel right now.

Aria lies on her back listening to the soft breaths coming from beside her. Ezra is on his stomach, his cheek against the pillow so that he's facing her with his arm draped around her lower waist. She wonders how long she's been in this position; she hasn't moved all night in fear of waking Ezra. He only managed to doze off when he was convinced Aria was asleep, and if he found her awake in the middle of the night because his assumption had been false, she knows he would worry about her. She's been listening to Ezra for hours, secretly waiting for the light and dazed laugh she always found so adorable to come, but it doesn't. Now that she thinks about it, she hasn't heard Ezra laugh in his sleep since before Malcolm entered his life.

Aria turns her head so she's only looking at the wall, and not watching as the sun begins to light the sky. She used to love sunrises—they always looked as if the sky were being set on fire—but now they are a grim reminder of how that warmth never seems to reach her anymore. An hour or so later, the arm around her waist tightens and she turns back just in time to see Ezra's eyes lazily open. He smiles as soon as he sees her face, it's a goofy, boyish smile that makes her laugh and roll her eyes when she sees it.

"Morning," he mumbles.

Aria smiles in return.

"Have you been awake long?" he asks.

She shakes her head. "No, just woke up a few minutes before you."

Ezra wrinkles his forehead, clearly not believing her, but shakes it off and goes back to a smile. The arm around her waist pulls her even closer and she rolls over onto her side so that she's facing him. Ezra moves his hand from her waist to tuck a strand of hair behind Aria's ear as he leans his forehead against hers. His thumb begins stroking her cheek softly as he cups it in his palm.

"You are so beautiful, Aria."

She scrunches her nose and it only makes Ezra's heart swell more at the adorable sight. He presses a light kiss on her nose, making her smile before he sits up, letting the blankets fall and expose his bare back to Aria. Ezra presses his hands on the mattress and leans back against them so he can still look at Aria. Her hair is spread out on a pillow underneath her and the sheets just barely cover her top half. Ezra's sure he'll never grow tired of waking up with her in his bed.

"What are your plans today?" she asks softly, looking up at him.

"Um..." he trails off, glancing towards the kitchen as he thinks. Aria takes the opportunity to sneak up behind him, wrapping her arms around his neck, her naked chest pressing against his back. Ezra loses his train of thought as Aria begins trailing kisses down his neck and along his shoulder.

"Aria—" Ezra says half-heartedly, suddenly remembering the papers he has to grade.

"Don't get up," she mutters against his skin.

"I have papers—" His throat closes for a moment when Aria's hands begin sliding down his chest. "to grade."

She kisses back up from his shoulder to his neck, stopping by his ear. "And we have a lot of lost time to make up for," she whispers.

Ezra laughs and lifts his hands up in defeat. Without his hands to support him he leans back into Aria, causing both of them to go falling backwards into the bed. Aria giggles and the sound is so genuine it almost makes Ezra forget everything that happened the night before. Almost. She playfully pushes him off of her and he flips over so he's hovering above her, the smile still plastered on her face.

"You're an idiot," she says softly, biting her lip.

Memories of the rooftop come flooding back into Ezra's mind as he gazes at her, seeing only the look of complete indifference on her face that he saw less than 12 hours ago. He knows he can't let it go, that he has to talk to her about it sometime. He can't risk anything like last night happening again, he won't. But for now, she's smiling, and that's all Ezra can ask for. So, he shakes the vision of her feet dangling over the edge out of his head and leans down to kiss her forehead.

"But I'm your idiot," he replies before crashing his lips to hers.

* * *

Aria sits on Spencer's bed, nudged between Hanna and Emily as she mindlessly watches Spencer pacing back and forth in thought. Hanna and Emily burst into laughter, making Aria jump and realize she'd been spacing out. It takes her a moment before she joins in, uncomfortable but seemingly convincing because when Spencer turns to glare at the three of them she doesn't pause and question Aria's strange behavior. Aria silently lets out a sigh of relief before quickly noticing that she's the only one laughing anymore. Hanna and Emily eye her curiously and she immediately silences herself, giving them a nonchalant shrug.  _So much for staying under the radar._ As far as her friends are concerned, Aria is fine.

"Okay, moving on," Spencer says finally, granting Aria's prayers and breaking the strange silence. "We haven't heard from Mrs. D since that night on the rooftop, which means she's either dead, or... Well, she's probably dead. We still don't know where Jason was since he lied about rehab, and Cece is still in custody, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have access or communication to people outside. For all we know, Wilden may not have been the only corrupt cop in Rosewood. I haven't heard from Melissa or Wren but I don't think we can count them out; Wren still has a lot of connections to Mona at Radley. Something about his story just isn't right..." Spencer trails off, finally giving Aria time to breathe.

Aria glances to her left and right, making sure that she isn't the only one lost in Spencer's rant but all she sees are nods of understanding and determined eyes. Hanna and Emily are just really good at faking it, right? There's no way they can be following Spencer's words. Aria shuts her eyes tightly, trying to calm herself down. Her mind feels like its on fire trying to process everything.  _Just relax. Breathe. It isn't that difficult, just focus on everything she's said. Mrs. D... What was the next part?_

"Aria? Are you thinking about something?" Spencer asks hopefully.

Aria opens her eyes and sees her friends all staring at her. She clears her throat nervously. "Um, I was just thinking, what reason would A have for killing Mrs. DiLaurentis? It seems like she was the one helping bring Ali back more than anyone else," Aria suggests.

Spencer raises her eyebrows. "Yeah... We know. But now that Ali's back and Mrs. D is the only person who saw who tried to kill Ali that night, why wouldn't A kill her?"

Aria slumps back. "Oh—" she says softly.

"We talked about this weeks ago, Ar," Emily adds.

"Sorry, I'm just exhausted."  _And useless._ _  
_

"As I was saying," Spencer continues. "Wren is suspicious, he definitely has a connection to Ali... Speaking of, where is that girl? She said she'd be here ten minutes ago..." Spencer mutters, glancing out her window.

Spencer keeps talking and Aria tries to pay attention, but the words refuse to stick in her head. She has to bite down on the inside of her cheek to prevent from screaming in frustration. She just needs the world to stop for a few seconds so she can settle down. Her mind is blank; she's thinking of nothing in particular, just staring at Spencer's mouth willing herself to retain any information coming out of it. Her efforts are useless, however, and she is no closer to being able to help her friends than she was earlier that day. At least earlier she was with Ezra feeling  _something,_ instead of this endless pit of nothing she feels in her stomach now. She wants to help; she does, more than anyone. After seeing what A did to Ezra there is nothing Aria wants more than to witness A's demise, but as much as she tries it's too much for her.

"Aria..."

The sound of Spencer saying her name makes her mind refocus and suddenly the taste of blood floods her mouth. She released her cheek from between her teeth and she's about to answer before she realizes that Spencer is still talking, and her name was only mentioned in the midst of a thought. A few moments later the girls hear the front door open, and not long after that a cheery blonde enters Spencer's bedroom.

"Alison, where have you been?" Emily asks.

"Oh stop worrying," Alison replies. Aria doesn't know if she's deliberately avoiding the question or if it's just habit.

"We were just talking about how to set up another trap for A," Hanna says, filling her in.

 _We were?_ Aria quickly hides the confusion on her face, praying no one saw it.

Alison takes a seat across from Aria. "Alright, what do we have so far?"

"Well, we were just getting to that. Any ideas?" Spencer questions, motioning towards the bed where the rest of the girls are sitting.

Aria clears her throat again. "What if we—"

"We could use me as bait," Alison offers.

She shoots Aria an apologetic look when she realizes she interrupted her. Aria shakes her head in response, forcing a smile. She wants it to be genuine, because she's actually relieved that Alison was able to stop her before she said something stupid,  _again,_ but for some reason she can't bring herself to do it.

"That... That actually might work," Spencer says, thinking. "What were you gonna say?"

It takes Aria a moment to realize Spencer's talking to her.

"Oh, nothing. Ali's idea will work better anyway."

Spencer and Ali share a look and shrug.

"I actually have to get going—" Aria starts.

"Going off to spend some time with  _Fitz?_ " Hanna teases.

"Um, no. My mom just wanted me to stop by today," Aria says in a hurry. "I'll see you guys tomorrow at school."

She climbs off the bed and leaves the room without another word, not giving anyone the chance to reply. She can just barely hear Spencer's voice whispering as she starts down the stairs.

"Has she seemed off to you guys lately?"

"The love of her life was shot, I don't think that's something you can just get over," Alison replies.

"I know but... Still," Spencer mumbles, and then Aria is out the door and out of earshot.

It's raining outside and she gets in her car and promptly exits the Hastings driveway. She isn't sure why she left; she just knows she couldn't stand to be in that room for another second without breaking down. She can usually count on driving to clear her mind, maybe a little too well. Her mind begins to drift into dangerous territory, like what would happen if she were to "accidentally" swerve off of the road. The weather's bad enough that no one would question it, she would just be a simple accident, a tragedy nonetheless, but nothing special. She has to force herself to stay rational, or at least stay in control.  _You promised, Aria. You promised to try._


	3. Chapter 3

Aria comes to a stop in front of her mother and Zack's home. She can just barely catch a glimpse of Ella through the window, smiling and holding a wine glass in her hand. It's the happiest Aria can ever remember seeing her mom. Then, Zack is in view, stepping closer to Ella with the same overly content expression on his face. He's leaning closer to her and soon they're kissing. Aria forces her eyes away and steps on the gas, feeling like she's intruding on an intimate moment.

Aria doesn't know why she lied to her friends. Not just about having to leave, but about where she was going. She never had any plans with her mother, and she has no reason to keep anything about Ezra a secret anymore. She guesses that she just doesn't want her friends to think that she's ditching A-revenge-plotting time in exchange for time with her boyfriend. Even though technically, that's exactly what she's doing. It isn't that she'd  _rather_ be with Ezra, but she knows that one more minute inside of that bedroom would have driven her insane—more so than she already feels.

The more she thinks about it though, the less she wants to see Ezra either. She knows that as soon as she sees him he'll want to talk about what happened on the rooftop. He may have been willing to let it go last night and this morning but she could tell from the way he looked at her that he still had things he wanted to say to her, or things that he wanted her to say to him. It's enough to make her dread going back to the small apartment she calls home and suddenly, before she can really think about it, she finds herself turning into her family's driveway. She tries to ignore the fact that the driveway built for two currently has just one car in its space, and will probably only ever have one as long as the Montgomery's still own the residence. Still, she can't help but call out, "Dad?" when she steps through the doorway.

Mike is at the top of the stairs, shaking his head when Aria looks at him for an answer. She knows better than to be disappointed by now, as if she expected any different.

"Hey, Mike," Aria says, managing a smile.

She walks over to the couch, sitting down with a groan, and leans against the armrest. Mike makes his way down the stairs, following Aria to the couch and taking a seat next to her.

"Are you staying home tonight?" he asks.

Aria looks down. "I wasn't planning on it, but if you need me to—"

Mike shakes his head. "No, it's fine. I'm staying over at Gavin's house tonight," he replies, picking up a small backpack by his feet so Aria can see, then placing it back down.

"Yeah, so if you wanted to have your buddy Mr. Fitz over for some strip scrabble, go for it," a voice says from behind them.

Aria turns her head to see Mike's friend coming from the kitchen. He leans against the doorframe and finishes off the glass of coke in his hand before giving Aria a wink. She rolls her eyes, too tired to deal with this, and presses her forehead into the palm of her hand, letting out a sigh.

"Gavin, what the hell?" Mike snaps, glaring at him.

"It's a joke!" Gavin argues with a smirk still planted on his face. When it's clear that Mike has no patience for it, Gavin shrugs. "Whatever, let's go."

Mike hesitates, glancing at Aria.

"Mike, go. It's fine," Aria reassures him, dismissing him with a wave of her hand.

Her brother gets up, grabbing the backpack and slinging it over his shoulder before following Gavin to the door.

"Okay but a teacher? You gotta admit, Mikey, there's no way she didn't earn some extra credit. I bet he made her a real  _sucker_ for English..." Gavin whispers, but its loud enough for Aria to hear.

"Shut the fuck up, Gavin," Mike says harshly as he violently shoves his friend outside.

"Ow, Mike! What the hell?" Gavin's faint voice shouts.

The door slams and Aria is finally alone. She wills the tears not to fall but they do anyway. She knows she can't let Gavin's words get to her, especially since she's heard worse before, but all she can think about is the possible shit Mike will have to put up with for coming to her rescue, and it makes her sick. For a moment she actually thinks she will be, and she clutches her stomach tightly with her arm, afraid that relieving any pressure might allow her breakfast to come back up her throat. Breakfast... Aria now remembers that she forgot to eat, but in her current situation the thought of food makes her gag.

She needs to find a way to calm down, to regain her composure. The hand still resting on her forehead reaches its fingers out and tangles them in the hair on her scalp, tugging just enough to cause a sharp pain to radiate through her head.  _Breathe, Aria. Just breathe. You can't keep having a damn panic attack every time someone talks to you._

She's trying to control her breathing. Right now her breaths are quick and shallow and she feels trapped despite the large living room space she's in. Aria tries to find something to grasp onto, something to help keep her grounded. Her mind is racing, never fully choosing to focus on a single thought but instead rapidly switching through them like a slideshow. Mike pushing Gavin out the door, Aria standing on the edge of the rooftop, Spencer asking Aria to help them for once, rooftop, Ezra kissing her neck, rooftop, Byron's drunken laugh echoing through the phone, rooftop, Ella and Zack sharing a quiet kiss, Aria leaning forward, Ezra asking her to promise, Aria holding her arms out, A flashing before her in a black blur, Aria flying—soaring through the air, weightless and free, with nothing but the sound of wind ripping past her. Until it stops.

Slowly, Aria begins to release the grip her fingers have on her hair. She isn't flying. She's sitting on a couch in her family's living room. She takes deep, slow breaths; much different from the ones she was taking a few moments ago. Aria can feel the muscles in her body relax as she straightens her back and looks around her. She feels like she's going crazy. She probably is.

The doorbell rings and Aria takes a hesitant glance at herself. She's wearing ripped black denim shorts with one of Ezra's old Hollis sweatshirts. Very un-Aria, but lately she hasn't been feeling like the whole animal-print colored mess that she usually is. She takes a moment to wipe away any tears left from her momentary freak-out and brushes her hand lazily through her hair a couple of times. For some reason, a small part of her makes her want to pull her shorts down. Perhaps that same small part wishes for her father to be on the other end of the door, even though she knows it's a foolish fantasy.

Aria doesn't know what she's expecting to see when she opens the door, but she definitely is not expecting to be greeted by a grinning Ezra, holding a basket in one hand and rubbing the back of his neck with the other.

"E—Ezra?" Aria stammers, surprised to see him.

She knows she looks like a mess right now, and she wouldn't otherwise care about the lack of makeup and crazy hair except for the fact that Ezra has a talent for knowing when things are wrong, and with her red eyes and the rooftop in his mind, he'll make sure ask about this.

"Hi," he says simply, still smiling.

"What are you doing?"

"Ah," he says, lowering the hand on his neck. "We," he adds, motioning between him and Aria, "are going on a picnic."

Aria lowers her brow and looks behind him to the street. "Ezra... It's raining."

He shrugs. "You love the rain."

It's a fair point, but Aria finds herself laughing at the absurdity of it all. Instead of saying anything she just stares at him, eyebrows raised.

"And besides," he says, stepping past her into the house. "I thought an indoor picnic might suit us better. What with the rain, and me not wanting to get fired..."

"Right. Of course," she replies.  _Because being with me means risking his career._

Aria shuts the door then turns to watch as Ezra pushes the couch back a few feet and moves the coffee table out of the way.

"How did you know I was the only one here?" she asks as Ezra unfolds a blanket and lays it out on the floor.

He looks up and smirks. "Luck."

Aria raises her eyebrows.

"Well, that, and I actually just keep this basket in my car all the time. That way I can always be prepared for this moment. I'd be a little wary of the sandwiches."

Aria walks over to him. "Shut up," she says, laughing and playfully shoving him before taking a seat on the blanket.

"Aria?" Ezra's voice drifts into her mind as she continues staring at the fire in front of her.

Her palms are facing the heat, trying to trigger any sort of feeling in her hands. Maybe if she could get just a little bit closer she'd feel the warmth that is supposed to be radiating from the fireplace. She reaches her hand out in front of her, stretching her fingers towards flames. She's almost there. She can't feel the flames but she can see them, just nearly touching her fingers. Just a little more—

"Aria!" Ezra yelps, pushing Aria's arm away from the fire.

She looks at him, registering his presence after momentarily forgetting that she had company. His eyes are wild and filled with worry. Aria just shrugs and takes another bite from the tomato and pesto sandwich Ezra brought for her.

"What the hell?" Ezra says, still staring at her.

She meets his eyes and can't help but roll her own before taking a sip of champagne.

"Aria, I'm serious. What the hell was that?" Ezra asks again.

"I don't know, okay?!" Aria snaps. "Just drop it... Jesus," she mutters underneath her breath.

"You know I can't," Ezra replies softly.

"You  _dropped_ it last night," Aria counters.

Ezra sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "Don't do that," he says, shaking his head. "You know that isn't fair."

"You know what else isn't fair? To guilt people into promises they don't want to make."

It's silent for a moment after that; Aria's words hang in the air like a rope that's slowly wrapping itself around Ezra's neck making it nearly impossible for him to breathe. He stares down at his plate and closes his eyes for a few seconds.

"We have to talk about this..." Ezra says.

"There's nothing to talk about."

He looks up at her. "Stop brushing this off like it's nothing!"

"It doesn't matter, Ezra!"

"I almost lost you! That  _fucking_ matters, Aria!" He says, nearly screams, in frustration.

Aria looks back at him, seeing the desperation and worry in her lover's eyes. She drops her gaze and bites her lip before responding.

"I'm here now. I'm here with you, and I—I'm okay," she says softly.

"Aria..." Ezra replies, his skepticism apparent in his voice.

"I'm trying to be okay," she corrects. "I'm trying because I want to be here with you. I want to be here right now. Isn't that enough?"

Ezra's face falls and he moves the various plates and glasses out of the way so that there's space for him and Aria to lie down. He scoots over, his back against the couch, and holds his hand out for her, which she accepts so that he can pull her close to him. She leans her head on his shoulder as their arms snake around each other and their hands clasp together.

"I know you're trying. I'm sorry. I just—I know it might be selfish or unfair, but I can't sleep, I can barely eat—" Aria's eyes shift to the plate where his sandwich lies untouched. "And I know that I can't understand what you're going through and I know that I have no right to be saying all of these things and God, I know I'm being an asshole, but I—I just need you to know that you matter to me. And I know I've said this before but if I lost you I'd lose myself. I've never been more scared than that night on the rooftop, Aria. I don't ever want to experience that feeling again."

Aria laughs and squeezes his hand. "You were right about being an asshole," she says playfully, because truthfully, it's all she can say.

Aria knows that Ezra isn't trying to guilt her into anything. He's scared, which she understands, but there isn't anything she can do to help him. She can't promise that he'll never feel that way again. She can't make him stop worrying. All she can do is keep trying, which he knows, but it doesn't make it any easier for him to sleep at night.

"I love you," he whispers.

"I know," she whispers back.

The two sit by the fire for at least an hour, simply enjoying each other's company, but it doesn't stop Aria's mind from running. She's thinking about Gavin's comment again, and she's thinking about her friends, and most of all she's wishing that Ezra hadn't stopped her from touching the flames.

"Do you have any work you need to do for tomorrow?" Ezra says suddenly, breaking their peace.

"No," she lies. "You can stay for a while longer."

Aria does have work. A lot of it. She hasn't been able to do her homework in weeks. Not because she's lazy, but because every time she sits down to do any of her work, she freezes. It's like there's something in her body that prevents her from getting anything done. There are times when she sits with her textbook open and math binder out but does nothing except stare at the blank wall in front of her. When she reads her history book the pages begin to blur until eventually the words look like nothing but gibberish and Aria's brain feels like it's about to explode. No matter how hard she tries, she can't will herself to focus. Now she's simply given up. After what's felt like her hundredth time of trying to study and still failing, she's figured she might as well just not waste her time studying and fail anyway.

Besides, it's a little hard to care about doing her homework every night when her brain refuses to shut up about having an easy way out of all the stress. It's nearly impossible to care about today when Aria isn't even sure if tomorrow exists. She hates the way her mind thinks. It frightens her, how easily she's able to think of death as a solution. She desperately wishes that would change, that she would find someway to value her life more. It's what she hopes she can try to do for Ezra. She hopes that in time, she won't find comfort in the idea that no matter how bad things get, there's always a way to make everything disappear for good. Maybe in time, the idea of making it through the bad to get to the good will be worth it.


	4. Chapter 4

Aria only looks at the paper long enough to see the circled red 64% and the underlined "see me" written beneath it. She scoffs at the message and quickly closes her notebook over her test. Only she isn't as fast as she thinks, and when she looks up she sees Emily next to her her giving her a sympathetic look.

"Aren't you gonna go see him?" Emily asks as Mr. Thomas, their history teacher, dismisses the class.

Aria rolls her eyes and stands to begin packing up her bag. "There's nothing to talk about. I didn't study. End of story," she replies, throwing her bag over her shoulder.

Emily nods and begins packing her own bag. "You know, next time just come over to my house. We can study together _—"_

"Aria? May I speak with you?" Mr. Thomas calls out from his desk.

Emily snickers and Aria lets out a heavy sigh, dropping her bag back onto her desk.

"See you at lunch?" Emily offers.

"Yeah."

She sits back in her seat as Emily and a few other students exit the room. Mr. Thomas comes to the front of his desk and leans back against it. His thinning dark hair is slightly spiked up in the front with gel _—_ a hilariously pathetic image for someone in his 40's—and the angle of his arms on the desk reveals the dark stains on his shirt beneath them. There's a small line of sweat just below his hairline that seems to never go away and Aria has to try her hardest to keep from smiling, because the idea that  _this_  is the man who is about to give her a lecture on how to be successful in life makes her want to cry of laughter.

"Aria, you're a smart kid," Mr. Thomas begins with a sigh, rubbing his sweaty palms over his thighs.

"Your point?" Aria says sharply, though she already knows where this is going.

"My point is, lately you've been slacking off with your work. This last test is proof of that, and your research paper is about to be three weeks late as of tomorrow."

Aria groans internally. She completely forgot about the research paper, the same research paper that she has yet to get started on. "Yeah, that's coming along," she lies. "I've just been busy, but I'm almost done with it."

Mr. Thomas sighs again, like he knows she's full of shit. "Aria, you're a very bright student, one of my favorites, which is why I'm trying so hard to help you, but there's only so much I can do. I can't keep letting things slide, and this research paper is going to count for forty percent of your final semester grade. If it isn't in by the end of the week, it's going to be a zero. And even if you do get it in, unless you pick up your test scores it won't make a difference. History used to be one of your best subjects. I don't want to see you fail, Aria."

Aria bites her lip. "I know. I'm sorry, things have just been... hectic," she says softly.

"Look, I understand that this year hasn't been... easy for you, Aria. At all. I can only begin to imagine the horrors that you and your friends have faced during your time here at Rosewood High, and I am incredibly sorry what you've all gone through. That's another reason why I've been so willing to loosen up when it came to your work, but Aria, I also teach Spencer, Emily, and Hanna. I gave them the same treatment, allowing them the time to sort through things and get their lives in order, but they've all been caught up for weeks now. Your past is no longer an excuse. I just think you need to start putting in more effort. You have too much potential to waste it on not trying. You can't keep blowing off your work if you want to pass this class."

Aria stares down at her desk. She wants to tell him that she  _is_  trying. She doesn't know how to explain the fact that whenever she sits down to do her work it feels as if there is a physical force preventing her from getting anything done. Maybe if she could explain what goes on in her head at night he would understand, but then again, deciding whether or not she should keep breathing is not a valid excuse for a late assignment.

She wouldn't be able to prove it anyway. Her illness is of the mind rather than the body. Teachers accept what they can see. They accept physical proof of sickness, like a cast or doctor's note. Would Mr. Thomas even believe her or try to help her if she told him about her thoughts? Or would he give her a look of disappointment, because Aria isn't the only teenager in the world to feel sad and yet plenty of them don't have multiple assignments that are a month overdue.

She thinks about his reference to her friends, and she immediately feels guilty for even trying to think of a way to get out of her work. He's right. They've been through the same thing she has, potentially worse at some points, and yet they aren't struggling like she is. They are managing just fine, and she begins to accept the cold reality that her teachers are right. She doesn't have excuses anymore. But for some reason, this realization doesn't make her as upset as she thought it would, because that small voice in the back of her head is always there, whispering sweet words into her ear, reminding her that there's always a way out. There's a way for her to leave and never have to suffer the consequences.

"I understand, Mr. Thomas. Thank you. I'll get that paper to you by the end of the week," Aria says, although she can't tell if she actually means the words that are coming out of her mouth or if she's just saying them to make him feel better.

He nods and dismisses her from the room.

Aria doesn't see Emily at lunch. She goes home instead, her mind in need of a break. Mike is still at school meaning the house is quiet when she enters the front door. She recognizes the feeling of emptiness and hopelessness in her stomach and she knows that she should call Ezra, that being alone right now isn't the best idea, but the thought of bothering him when she's thinking about something as utterly stupid as a research paper makes her think twice about it.

Aria goes upstairs to her room and sits down at her desk before opening her laptop. She opens a new document and types her name into the top right corner along with the title 'WWII in the Pacific'.  _You can do this,_ she tells herself.  _It's just a research paper._ The slight ache in her stomach reminds her that it's 12:30 and she hasn't eaten anything all day, but she wills it to go away so she can work, and as she blinks at the blank page, the cursor blinks back at her, mocking her.

She doesn't hear Ezra's footsteps as he walks up the stairs. She doesn't even notice when he leans against her open doorframe. He brings his knuckles up but hesitates before knocking. She seems to be staring her screen and for a moment Ezra wonders if he would be interrupting her work, but soon he realizes that her fingers haven't moved across the keyboard for a solid minute and he brings his fist in contact with the wall.

Aria jumps at the noise and turns to see Ezra. She nods her head, inviting him in, and he steps behind her and leans down, resting his chin on her shoulder. He looks at her laptop and sees the document she has open. It's empty except for her name and a title.

"Hey," he whispers, kissing her cheek.

"What time is it?" She wonders out loud. Her room is dark except for the light from the hallway.

Ezra stands up and looks at his watch. "About a quarter to seven."

Aria's eyes widen and she turns to face him in her chair. "What?" she asks softly.

Ezra notices the change in her demeanor—how quiet her voice gets and how her eyes start to drift away from the present. _ _  
__

"Aria?"

His voice snaps her back. "Sorry, I'm fine. I just was thinking about this assignment I have to get done by tomorrow."

Ezra looks at her skeptically but doesn't push it. "Anything I can help with?"

Aria shakes her head before reaching behind her to shut her laptop, then bringing her knees up and hugging them to her chest. "When do you come back to Rosewood High?"

"Missing me in English class already?" Ezra smirks at her and she laughs. "I'm scheduled to go back in two weeks. I'll be teaching AP English."

She nods. She'll be his student again.

"Aria... I don't have to go back if it makes you uncomfortable. I'm sure I can find another job—"

"No, please. It's fine. You need this job, Ezra," she reassures him. "Besides, the sub's ass isn't nearly as nice as yours."

Ezra scoffs. "I knew you just wanted me for my body."

She gets up from her chair and walks to him, wrapping a hand around the back of his neck and pressing her body into his. She trails the forefinger of her free hand down his chest before looking up into his eyes.

"Can you blame me?"

Aria pushes herself onto her toes and connects their lips, pulling him closer to her by his shirt. Ezra's hands rest on her hips as he pulls away.

"Have you eaten?" he asks her.

"I'm not hungry," she replies as her hand finds its way underneath Ezra's shirt. "For food, anyway. It's always been a fantasy of mine to have you naked in my bed."

Ezra raises his eyebrows. "Really?" he asks, his fingers trailing softly up her back.

She steps away from him and closes the door to her room. The light from the moon is just enough to make out each other's faces and Aria smirks as she pulls her shirt over her head.

"Really," she says, stepping forward and pushing on his chest until his knees hit the bed and he falls back onto it, taking her with him.

"Ezra?" Aria asks softly.

Her back leans against the pillows as Ezra's head rests in the valley of her breasts. His arms are wrapped around her and her fingers run carefully through his soft curls.

"Hmm?"

"When did you know that your father left for good?"

He's quiet for a moment before he finally speaks. "About a month after he left. He went on lots of business trips ever since I can remember, but I always knew this time was different. Mom had never cried like she did that night. My parents had been fighting a lot before it happened, and I had a friend whose parents were divorced so I wasn't completely unaware of what was coming. My friend still got to see both his parents, though. I guess I always figured if my parents split up my dad would never just...  _leave._ Finally, after a month, my mom sat Wes and me down and told us that our father wasn't coming back. She didn't give us some bullshit story about him needing to stay for a job. She told us the truth. He abandoned us," he explains.

"I'm sorry," Aria whispers, her voice raw.

Ezra tilts his head back so he can see her face. Her cheeks are stained with tears. "What's wrong, Aria?"

She takes a deep breath. "My dad isn't working at Syracuse anymore. He left the university weeks before I visited."

"Aria..." Ezra whispers as his hold on her tightens.

"I have no idea where he is and I—I don't think he's ever coming back," she croaks out. "How am I supposed to tell Mike that his own father doesn't want to see him anymore? That we mean nothing to him? How am I supposed to tell everyone that my father left us?"

Her wet eyes find Ezra's as her tears fall on his face. As much as Ezra wants to, he doesn't say anything. He just continues to hold her and comfort her. He knows from experience that there's nothing one can say to dull the pain of being abandoned. He never particularly liked Byron, but he never thought for a second that the man would do something as despicable and selfish as leaving his children. Ezra could kill him.

"Thank you," Aria finally says after a long silence.

Ezra wrinkles his brow. "For what?"

"For being here. For staying with me."

Ezra gives her a sad smile as she leans down and kisses him softly.

"Always."


End file.
